plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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