6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize