my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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