Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
