everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
