I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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