my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
