Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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