I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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