my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
