the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
