You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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