apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
