I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
