she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize