There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
