in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
