standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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