he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
