Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
