how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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