also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
