I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
