I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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