i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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