after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
