Your dad touched me again.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
