I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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