It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
