The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
