i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize