As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
