Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
