There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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