The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
