I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
