She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
