That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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