Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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