Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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