My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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