Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
