have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I want to be your penis for a week.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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