I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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