I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
