and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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