Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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