gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
