I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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