I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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