I can text with my tongue
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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