Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
