This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize