My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
