If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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