I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
is this the sara with the beer cane?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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