not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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