oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
