Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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