happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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