my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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