I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
