3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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