i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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