is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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